


I Know.

by ty_madison



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Catholicism, Comfort, Drinking, Hurt, M/M, Talks of homophobia, honestly it gets happier in chap 2
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-04
Updated: 2019-03-07
Packaged: 2019-11-12 00:55:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18000731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ty_madison/pseuds/ty_madison
Summary: A girl comes in, still clad in her uniform and crying. All it takes is a few words and certain mentions and Sonny is scared. He knows about these places. But when the rest of his squad find out, they look at him differently and it all leads to one monumental secret coming out.But when he needs someone who understands why he was the way he hid it, he finds them. They listen and then things take a change.





	1. Leading To A Break

Sonny had only just been cleared for duty after an extensive stint undercover. It had been one of the easier ones he had been on, but it hadn’t made the whole situation easier. He had spent three and a half months with a fellow officer, who when out of uniform could pass for a fifteen year old. It was not something he wished he knew about, grown men meeting to talk and show off their underage girls. 

He still hadn’t completely got back to how he looked before, his hair was longer and with the time he had alone; he had worked out more than before. He knew his upper body was bigger. Shirts were pulling at the buttons, his trousers were digging into his thighs and the worst was his waistcoats; they were tight the buttons pulling in a way which showed muscle gain. And Amanda has confirmed he had, with a low whistle and a comment about how he could now get away with his awful moustache. 

While laughing, standing up and grabbing his coffee cup; he started the walk to the break room. When somehow he heard a knock on the entrance to the Unit. 

And there was a young girl. 

The way the girl had looked, dressed like she had come from one of the many Private Catholic schools in the city, had Sonny completely on edge with in a second. Her blonde hair was matted round her face and tear streaked mascara, was making the red eyes glow out of her pink cheeked face. Sonny has been up in seconds, she looked so much like his sisters had at that age, his hand guiding her to the seat next to his desk and a careful paper cup of water was placed next to her hand. 

She never once pulled away from his presence, by the minute Amanda had tried to speak to her she had clammed up and turned away; silent tears streaming down her face. Her fingers kept twisting and pulling at her skirt, motioning with Sonny with her eyes to get her away. It was the fear that got him to stand up and motion to her if she would rather wait in the family interview room, her eyes darted to where he was pointing and she seemed to relax if only marginally. 

Walking her in took longer than expected, she would jump when certain other people walked past, mainly blonde women. 

Once in the juvenile interview room, she cornered herself so she could see every window and door. The way she was shaking, something horrible had to have happened, Sonny just felt like she would need something to eaten to distract her from what was running through her head. When she gave a faint nod he stood up and went to did through the stash he had in his drawer. He pulled a bag of chips and a snickers out, there was no way she wouldn’t like one or both. 

But on the way to the door Liv stopped him. “Any idea why she’s here?” She whispered, her eyes never stopping from looking at her, “I’ve never seen someone try to back away from Rollins like that...” a crease formed in her brows. 

Catching eyes with the girl, he smiled. The one he normally used when he was trying to get his way with his sisters. And the girls lips quirked up slightly, but dropped quickly when Amanda walked past talking to Fin. Both of them openly disgusting what could have happened for a girl to feel more comfortable with Sonny and his crazy hair; than with a woman. 

Sliding into the room, placing the food on the table he turned and pulled the blinds. He sat in the chair and smiled lightly. Sonny had never seen a teenaged girl rip into a bag of chips so quickly, it ripped cleanly down the side and she shoved a handful into her mouth and ate like she hadn’t tasted anything good in months. And he was even more taken a-back when she turned the split bag towards him, waving at him to help himself. 

Eating a few chips and not really saying much, there was knock at the door and Liv walked in. Her smile soft like she used for Noah when he had had a bad day, just needed the love of his Mom to calm him. “Sarge!” Sonny beamed, glad they had got the idea sending Amanda in wouldn’t help. “Come to share the snacks?” Sonny laughed as he said so, just to see that eye roll only mothers could do. 

Turning to finally introduce them both to the girl; who was just sat eyes wide, mouth open and staring completely at Sonny. 

Darting his eyes to Liv, he really wasn’t sure what to do. Did his accent trigger her like just seeing Amanda had, but instead she dropped the handful of chips and wiped her hands on her skirt. Finally scrubbing her mouth clean of crumbs she spoke and Sonny stomach seemed to fall through the floor. She sounded like she could have grown up just next door to him, it only made the resemblance to his sisters that more obvious. 

“Promise you won’t send me back?” she said, her voice soft but still holding the same abrasive quality that Sonny had been informed his had, every time he spoke near Barba. But he knew they couldn’t make that promise unless they knew why she couldn’t go back. It also confused him why a young teenaged girl from Staten Island was here in their precinct of all places 

Liv answered before he could, “We can’t do that yet. Not till we know why you are here.” her voice soft and understanding, “But we can keep you safe here.” The girls eyes slid to fix on Liv, as if trying to decide if she could trust her like she seemingly had with Sonny. 

She bit her lip and nodded, “Saint Margarets.” swallowed and looked up at the two way glass, “I came from there. They were trying to fix me.” her nose wrinkled up in disgust. “There’s nothing wrong with me, but my parents made me go. Telling me they were saving me from eternal damnation. It’s stupid and I hate it.” her voice was getting harder and her arms were tight across her chest. 

And Sonny didn’t even have to think, he had heard about kids being sent to these places. Nuns had tried to get his parents to send him there when Teresa had come out at fifteen. Telling them it was best so he didn’t end up like her, like there was something wrong with his sister realising she was intact his sister. It had caused a hell of an uproar in the family when his immediate family had started attending a much more accepting modern Service every Sunday. 

“Carisi follow me.” Benson spoke and stood up, leaving the girl in the room and standing in the small area between the two interview rooms. “It’s not just a school is it?” the small shake of his head and she was off. And he knew she would be prepping the rest of the team on what they may have. 

Sonny wasn’t sure what he could do, but sit with the girl and listen to whatever she wanted to talk about. Maybe get a name from her, an address. Just something so they could confirm who she is and then once that was sorted he just had a feeling that he would be sent to this school for some undercover work. It already was sending fear through every part of his body to go to a place that could still be doing this to young kids who were just themselves but their family were just wrong. 

“Sorry. Sarg didn’t realise that they still had places like that.” He sighed and opened the snickers and broke a piece off. The caramel twisted round his fingers as he ate. It felt sticky and gross, but after what he realised they were in for it felt like such a minor thing. 

The girl smiled, her face still swollen from crying. “Carisi?” she questioned, fingers already digging back into the chips. “So you’re a good Italian Catholic boy from back home to?” She posed it as a question, but he knew she was asking if he was like the people that had sent her to that school. 

“Not according to my extended family.” Sonny chuckled slightly, “But my Ma would fight any of them if they said I wasn’t.” Another bite of snickers and he knew he should try and get information about her. “So what’s your name then? You know mine.” Letting his fully dimpled smile spread, hoping it would have the same reaction he got from other people he spoke to. 

“Maria Russo.” she smiled and rolled her eyes, “Yes I know. There are hundreds of us, probably even have a few in the family.” And right there, Sonny knew she was using humour to glaze over the pain she was in. “Can I make a phone call?” her voice softer like she had been told off for asking before. 

“Sure.” Sonny stood and pulled the phone over, “Want me to leave?” Even though he knew that the phone call would be recorded. 

She shook her head and pressed the number in. She sat bouncing her knew and biting her lip, as if she was scared the call wouldn’t go through or just wouldn’t be answered. But her face lit up the minute it obviously did. 

“It’s me.” A slight up turn of her lips, “Yeah it’s really me. It’s Maria you numbskull.” A roll of her eyes, “I though you could tell your girlfriends voice from any other voice you heard.” A tear fell from her eye, “I got out. I’m at a police station. It’s uh…” She locked eyes with Sonny wordlessly asking for where they were. Sonny scrabbled to grab a slip of paper and quickly write out where she was. Who to ask for. “It’s the sixteenth precinct. Ask for Detective Carisi if you come.” And Sonny could hear the shouting through the phone, “OKAY! Okay! When you come! Calm down! I didn’t know, I’ve been gone for a while.” A soft sigh, “I love you too. Yeah that might be a good idea, I don’t know if you will recognise me.” 

And the phone was place back in the holder. 

“Need some time alone?” Sonny asked gentle and leaning forward a little. A sharp nod and he stood to leave the room, “You can make more calls if you need.” And the smile he got was a tight pull of lips. 

Standing out of the room, he leaned against the door. He could feel so many eyes on him, but Nicks seemed to be the most intense; like he wasn’t sure if he liked the fact Sonny was trusted by this girl or that he didn’t trust Sonny with what the case was about. 

Sonny knew people he was the cut and dry good Catholic boy. He went to Mass every Sunday, he would sign the cross over any dead body he saw and they knew he was very much family oriented. But they didn’t seem to see past it, never asked him about it. Like they had already placed him a box with all the other super orthodox Catholics out there. Normally it wouldn’t bother him but even Amanda was giving him a look, like he would be okay with what this girls family had put her through. 

It burned. 

But walking into Sargent Bensons office, he saw her. Head in her hands glasses held gently between fingers and breathing like she was trying to keep her anger under control. “I don’t know where to start.” she breathed and Sonny hadn’t heard her sound this defeated. He knew that even after everything she had done in her time here, certain things just got to her. And this must be one of them. 

Sonny sat down loudly in the chair in front of her, “I have a name and she has a girlfriend coming here to meet her.” He ran his hand through his hair, knowing it would only make it stand on end more than before, “She talked like she has been at that ‘school’ for a while.” He knew his voice showed disgust in calling it a school that she went to. 

But the look on Bensons face when she heard it, made his stomach drop. He was sure that Benson wouldn’t be one of the popes to think that way about him, but turns out she obviously thought he was one of those Catholics as well. 

“I’m going to go do some research.” He sighed, “On this ‘school’.” 

Sitting at his desk and just trying to research this school, but all he could think about was the fact these people who he knew as well as he knew his family. Seemed to think of him as one of those homophobic parents that they had dealt with multiple times.

His chest was tight and he knew he could simply tell them about himself, about his family but it almost felt like he was just trying to prove to them who he was. 

So he went through the sight. Clicking and writing notes. And all he got was that it was a school for young men and women who needed straightening out, but that could been taken as kids that were trouble and needed help getting back to where they should be. And it made it worse that they boasted about how ninety percent went on to study at Universities with a further thirty percent got into Ivy Leagues. 

And Sonny knew if his parents saw numbers like that they would want their kids going there, but he was sure that not all the kids that were there would be there for the same reasons as Maria, but a fair few would be. 

Nothing about this case was easy, it was just taking him back to being young and just hearing about these places made his blood boil. 

Sonny almost jumped out of his skin when a hand rested on his desk, “Uh yes! Hello?” He turned as was met with the faces of an older woman and a young girl, who couldn’t look anymore identical. 

“Maria said to come to you when we got here.” The older woman spoke, “She is here. You have her safe here right?” Standing up and offering her his hand, Sonny smiled he guessed this was the girlfriend and her mother. “This is her picture she told us to bring it.” And Sonny could barely see the girl in the room in this photo, but her eyes were the same. her hair was shorter and her face was chubbier. Just looked like the average young girl happy and just okay. 

“I’m detective Carisi. If you take a seat I’ll ask my Sargent if you can go into see her.” He smiled and walked to the office, as he was about to knock he was sure he could hear Liv on the phone. The affirmative hum of an okay to enter came through the door and he saw Benson’s eyes dart up to him and stop mid-sentence. 

“I’ll call you back Rafa.” Then she looked up at him and smiled, but it was strained. “What do you need Carisi?” 

Sighing, his hand stuck in his hair never moving. “Maria’a girlfriend and the mother are here. Wanted to know if they could see her, only call she made was to them.” A swift nod and a hand wave as she picked up the phone again. 

Walking out he saw Nick talking with the mother while the younger girl looked around, obviously trying to find Maria in the swarms of people making their way through the precinct. Making his way over the girl jumped up and moved forward to grab his hand, “She looks okay right? Maria looks okay?” Her voice high and worried. 

“She looks healthy and she seemed excited for you to come.” She dropped his hand, hand coming up and covering the smile forming on her face. “How long has it been since you’ve seen Maria? Uh…?” He realised he didn’t know her name, his hand was on the door handle. So he looked at her. 

“Annabel.” She smiled and then bolted through the door before it was fully open. It made him break out into a surprised smile as he watched the girls hold each other. Rocking side to side and he could see the happy silent tears falling down Marias face. It was truly pure happiness. 

A gentle hand touched his shoulder and he saw Annabel’s mother standing there, with a soft and proud look on her face. “Come sit.” he said walking in and taking his seat again. The girls sat at the same time, hands interlocked and Annabel had her forehead resting on Marias shoulder. “I do have a few questions. If you are comfortable with that?” A short nod, “So how old are you? Simple ones first.” 

A burst of laughter, filled the room it was loud and obviously uncontrolled. “I’m seventeen. And before you ask they sent me there about two years ago, it was a few weeks into the year.” she sighed, “It was after they found out about us being more than just friends.” 

Nodding and taking notes, he was sure someone was watching via the window but he felt better having secondary notes written down. “How soon after they found out were you enrolled?” 

And from there the questions were answered easily and it was going well with both girls talking freely with Annabel’s mother adding in information about Marias parents that she felt was important. The more that Sonny found out the more his stomach dropped and twisted, he could had easily ended up in a school like this with his sister if he hadn’t had the decent parents he had. 

“Is there anything else you want to add about your time at the school?” Sonny finally asked, they had been talking for half an hour and had received a message that people were taking turns watching. 

He could see Maria try and think about it for a second. But she shook her head and smiled at him, “Just thank you for listening I guess. I was scared they were actually going to try and marry me off when I finished High School.” her voice was slightly hoarse from all the crying and talking she had done in her time there. But what she said, made every hair on his body stand up. 

Sonny couldn’t even say a thing. 

Nothing could cover what she had just said. “I’m just glad you’re from back home. That you understand this whole religion thing.” She spoke. And it scared Sonny that what she said didn’t seem to alarm her. “Just Annabel isn’t and it was hard to talk about.” 

It was the feeling of eyes digging into the side of his head that had Sonny turning. His eyes were caught by deep brown ones, that had him on edge. Something was going to happen and he had no clue how to stop it till he knew what was going to happen. And it was everything he had feared his colleges had thought of him, coming out of a strangers mouth. 

“You are a Catholic boy from Staten Island?” her voice was low and thinly veiled with anger, “How can we expect you of all people to go after her parents. The school. You probably don’t morally see anything wrong with what they’re doing there.” Her breath came out in a long hiss, “Legally yes, but you probably are going to play it down. Let them get away with hurting young gay kids. You have no idea what these girls have dealt with.” 

Sonny could feel his hand clenching over the top of his trousers, his breathing was speeding up and he knew he would loose his cool. But it wouldn’t be violent. He would loose the one thing he had forced himself to keep hidden. Being a Police Officer was still an old boys club, being interested in anyone that wasn’t the opposite gender wasn’t liked. 

It had been the reason he had left Staten Island SVU, when a few officers found out about his sister. They felt it was perfectly fine excuse to both tease Sonny, but also refer to his sister as every transphobic name under the sun. 

Shaking his head and locking eyes fully with her, “I know enough. I watched my sister get hurt. I listened as the Church told my family to fix her, told then that she was just a confused boy and should be careful that we didn’t spend time together.” Sucking in a hard breath, “I saw my first boyfriend get shipped off to one of these schools. Found out when I was in College he had killed himself.” Standing up and knowing he had to get out of the room, knew he had to do so fast when a knock hit the two-way, “I know.” 

Stumbling out of the room, he didn’t look up to see who had heard his confession. He was scared. he knew they were accepting here, much more than anywhere else but he had no idea if he could work here if they looked at him with pity. It was worse than thinking he was only doing what was needed because it was the law. 

He felt his body slump. His back hitting the wall and he finally took a deep breath. He had outed himself and his sister. Sonny couldn’t believe he had done that, his sister didn’t talk much about it. She had dealt with enough crap already. 

“Carisi?” A voice came from above him. “You okay man?” And he knew it was Fin. Who wouldn’t judge him, wouldn’t care who he was but would be concerned for how he was acting right now. 

A quick shake of his head and he heard the shuffling of two sets of feet. His eyes darted up, catching Fin crouched down next to him just looking like he wasn’t sure how to comfort him and looking past his shoulder he saw Barba. 

His eyes were focused completely on him, but his face was unreadable like he couldn’t process something. Almost like he was missing something, like this was not something he had ever dealt with before. But he quickly looked away and seemed to be watching what ever was happening in the family room. 

Sonny’s head hit the hard concrete wall, it was cold and solid; completely grounding. 

“Don’t think I’m going to be okay for a while.” His hand was in his hair before he could stop himself. “I know people thought I was some stereotypical catholic, I only got the full idea when that girl came in. But what are they going to think now, at least I knew where it sat before.” 

Fin smirked. “I don’t care, my sons got a husband and they are talking kids, just as long as we get our jobs done.” Sonny couldn’t stop the flash of a smile that came out. He knew he at least still had that friendship. 

“Quite.” Was all Barba said before he left, simply walking out and not looking back. It hurt and confused Sonny to no end. 

Fin gave brief frown and stood. A head tilt and they both stood, walking out of the small area between the interview rooms. Looking around he could tell that no one had heard what had happened in that room, but Liv did walk out and look right at him; nod towards her office and leave. 

Amanda gave him a look which made him think, all she thought he was had come out in the interview. That he had said the wrong thing. It hurt. She was who he called his best friend, they had dinner together to talk about how well Jessie was doing and to gossip about all the weird things that happened at work. 

He winked at her and watched her roll her eyes. 

Walking into the office he was met with both Liv and Barba, with only one seat left and it was obvious it was for him to sit in. “We need to talk about what went on in there?” Liv finally spoke, “Has something happened here that made you feel like you couldn’t express yourself?” 

And try as hard as he could he couldn’t stop the noise that came out of his mouth, he even saw out of the corner of his eye Barba flinching at the noise. “Nothing has happened here. This is the best place I’ve worked.” He sighed and looked at the wall, “But I refuse to go through what I did before. It’s the reason I came here. Just didn’t think everyone here thought I was some homophobic Catholic cop.” He turned fixing his eyes on Benson. 

She shifted in her seat obviously feeling uncomfortable at the fact that it had been picked up on. That she had realised that he had spotted how she seemed to think about him. 

Dropping his eyes back down so he was staring at his own fingers, they had found the one loose thread on his trousers and he couldn’t stop himself from twisting it. Watching as the colour left the tip of his finger, leaving it a stark white and bright pink below the thread. It was keeping him from having a full on breakdown, he could tell it would happen. So much had been held in and it had been so long sine he had really spoke to anyone bar Teresa. 

“Can we have the room, Liv.” Barba spoke softly, and even with the bare minimum he was paying attention, it was obviously not a question but a soft voice demand coming from Barba. 

Sonny still couldn’t bring himself to look up, watch Liv leave the room. 

He sat breathing, listening to the hustle going outside that door and he heard the blinds being dropped. Listened as Barba seemed to walk around making sure there was no way they were going to disturbed. But he couldn’t help but feel slightly nervous. The way that Barba had reacted to him when he came out the interview room had his skin prickling, and not the way it normally did when he saw the man. 

He was so lost playing with the thread and listening to what shouldn’t be calming sounds of the precinct, that the sudden “Sonny?” coming from Barba had him jump and pull the thread clean off. 

Sonny watched as it untwisted and floated to the ground, before he even looked up to see Barba frowning at him. He was perched on the desk right in front of him. Staring right down at him. His face softened, when he realised he had finally got Sonny’s attention and Sonny found himself unable to look away. 

Swallowing, relaxing slightly back in the chair and opening his mouth. He tried to speak but found nothing came out. 

Eyes dragged over his now constantly moving fingers, Barba turned his body and started going through things on the desk. It was a surprise when a hand grasped his and placed a rubber band in it. Sonny found himself twisting it in his fingers, slower than they were moving before. A nod at him and Barba seemed ready to talk.


	2. The Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After everything that happened, Barba is there.

Sonny wasn’t sure how he had found himself in the back of a Uber. Especially with Barba whose hand resting on his knee, gripping him every other second as if to keep him from zoning out. He could feel the driver looking at them, but it was more one of worry. Like he too was worried for Sonny even though he didn’t know what was going on. 

The Uber stopped outside a building, One that Sonny had never been too before. Rafael leaned forward thanking the guy for the journey, with a swift slide of a few dollars and a squeeze of the shoulder. Sonny was pretty much pulled out of the door, but it was the hand on his lower back that he focused on. The doorman nodded at Barba, held the door open and informed him on his way past that there was mail for him. Sonny could almost see the tight smile on Barba’s face.

It was a realisation that Barba had taken him to his apartment.

And all he could really do was focus on that he had ended up at Barba’s apartment. 

But getting here had started with Barba placing his hand on his shoulder and he felt all the tension in his body drop. He could only feel was a mix of relief and fear, sure he knew his work mates wouldn’t judge him and would accept him. But the fear of the other people they worked with thinking of him as less than he was just for who he was attracted too. Just burned. 

His hand had scrabbled into his trouser pockets and he had frantically tried to call Teresa. But when she picked up he could do nothing but open and close his mouth quickly, making noises that must had worried her to no end. It was the feeling of his phone being pulled from his hand, his hand being held gently and the sound of Barba explaining what had happened to his sister. 

The whole time Barba’s eyes never left his face. They were constantly on his face, watching him and gripping his hand gently, squeezing it and running a thumb over the back of it. Barba hung up and slipped the phone is his pocket, he left for what felt like a second and came back with all of his stuff from his desk. Coat, scarf and gloves.

Sonny knew he should have felt something, but all he felt was grateful as Barba dressed him. He knew he wasn’t in the mindset to talk yet or even really think about the temperature outside. There was no way Sonny would have gotten dressed before he left. 

Amanda had flung herself out of her seat as Barba had walked him out of the door. She was going on about whatever he had said didn’t mean he needed to be punished, it was just something he had learned. Sonny hadn’t said a thing but had heard the way her mouth clicked shut when Barba had stopped and stared at her. 

Fin had just looked at him and smiled. Nick just rolled his eyes and went back to his paper work. 

But now here he was standing in Barba’s apartment. Looking around he could see how well it fit the man, clean and new. But there was those little parts, a bookcase overfilled with books so that they were laying on the floor in piles around it, family pictures dotted everywhere and even a few with the squad when he had joined them for drinks after cases. 

It was a home. Warm and inviting. 

Hands pulled his jacket from his shoulders, then returned to remove the suit jacket. He listened as they were obviously hung up and found himself being turned, hands on his waist. Fingers gently eased buttons from the holes, waistcoat was pulled down his arms and his tie was pulled gently from its place round his neck. Gun and badge were removed and placed on a table, the sound of them hitting wood was mildly grounding. 

Sonny knew it should be weird to just stand there and let Barba slowly undress him. If it was for any other reason Sonny knew he would be panting for it, begging Barba to let keep going. To just feel the way he gently and slowly took his clothes from him. 

“Sonny?” The heavy touch of a hand on his arm and the loud saying of his name had him looking down at Barba, his green eyes showing their concern at his early silence. And it was then he realised that Barba will never have heard him be silent for a minute let alone what must have been a solid hour. “Come on.” 

He was lead to a couch. The cool leather soaked through the heat that seemed to be radiating from his skin. Which had his pulling at the buttons at his throat, while also trying to force the sleeves of his shirt up. He was too constricted and too warm. It was all he could think about. 

Sonny could hear his own panicked breathing. But the press of his arms against his chest and the soft sound of humming had him pulling himself to focus on something else, trying to work out who was making the noise. He looked down. Watched as Barba’s hands gently pulled buttons out, made him sit up and helped him remove his shirt. And Sonny could finally breath. Finally it was like his armour was off and he wasn’t being crushed by the weight of it. 

Kicking his shoes off was the final thing. 

Leaning back and staring at the ceiling, he almost laughed at the cobweb forming in the corner of the room. It just showed him that really was a home, somewhere that Barba lived and relaxed. 

The press of cold crystal in his hand, and he looked to see Barba sitting down next to him. Swirling the amber liquid around, bring it to his mouth and taking a sip. His eyes were closed and he seemed like whatever he had seen had also driven him closer to the edge of sleep. 

Sonny finally took a sip, but found his lips curling up at the taste. It was peaty and strong, nothing about it he enjoyed but it was a drink. And he found he needed one after all the stuff he had just put himself through. So he drank more, making sure he drank every drop until the glass was empty and he heard it make the most clear sound as it was placed on the glass table in front of him. 

“Sorry.” He finally sighed, his head rolled on the back of the couch to face Barba. “It just got too close to home. And I couldn’t take her thinking that I was like those old timer cops out there. Especially after what those old timers used to say to me.” 

Barba just finished his drink, placed the glass down and fixed his eyes on him. “Don’t apologise. People just don’t understand you.” His hand seemed to clench tightly, “They don’t understand the being raised Catholic and being okay with who you are. Most people don’t understand that we have come from a small judgemental group. One that even causes families to break apart.” 

“I know. We know this but for being such an open minded precinct they judged me from day one. Did you even know that everyone thought I was some homophobic dickwad?!” He felt the anger from earlier start to surface, “Even Amanda! God even Liv did, I saw it in her eyes. Just because I am practicing it doesn’t make me like that.” He scrubbed hand over his face. “It hurts.” 

A gentle touch of a hand on his shoulder and he felt himself relax. It was just he needed to be able to say it, to simply know that the person he was saying it too would just take his words and understand completely. 

So he did. “I’m bisexual and I have known since I was fourteen, my family accepted it. Me and my sister were recommended to go to that school. To fix her and make sure I didn’t go the same way.” he laughed in an almost broken way. “I haven’t told a single person this since college, they didn’t take it well.” 

Reaching up he grabbed Barba’s hand, squeezing it needing all the comfort he could get and he was trying so hard to not think about why he would rather be in this apartment. 

He couldn’t help but sigh. Because he knew this wasn’t the time to make his feelings known, but it wasn’t like he had hidden it but if Barba was like the other people in the squad he might not have known. Even if Sonny was sure that he might be interested it might be more that he doesn’t want to deal with a closeted guy. 

Sonny looked over his eyes locking with Barba’s. It was a chance that he could take, but what he wanted was to be held. Cared for. So he did something he thought he never would. 

He turned. 

He moved across the couch, listened as the leather made noise under his body. He could hear Barba making a slightly confused noise as to what was happening. But he didn’t stop himself. Sonny moved so he was resting on his knees above Barba, even though he felt he should start calling him Rafael. 

A hand rested on his waist, the other still gripped tightly in his own. He felt a shaky breath come from him rather than hear it. He ducked himself down, pressed himself tightly into Rafael’s body. He loosened his grip on Rafael’s hand, looping his arms round his neck and tucking his face into Rafael’s neck. 

And it was comfort. Pure self indulgent comfort. With a warm body against his chest and heavy arms wrapped round his waist and over his shoulder. It was perfect. Just the silent holding that he needed and the feeling of a strong body against his. Sonny let himself mumble into the warm skin ender his lips, he could almost taste the skin there. He could smell the expensive cologne lingering there. 

Rafael moved slightly under him, holding his body close as he did so. 

And Sonny knew he should be stopping himself from doing what he was about too. It wasn’t the time or the place, nor was he sure it would be reciprocated. But he just couldn’t help himself anymore. He wanted to be as close to Rafael as he could. So he kissed the skin next to his mouth, gentle presses of lips against the soft skin there and he felt Rafael swallow agents his chin. 

The hand on his shoulder pulled him closer, slipping up the back of his neck and gripping tightly into his hair. He kept kissing at the skin, pulling it gently into his mouth and he knew he couldn’t leave a mark. Not one in such a visible place, but if he had the chance he would be leaving one somewhere. He hoped on the inside of Rafael’s thigh, somewhere he could touch and remember; or even his inner arm. So Sonny could squeeze it and remind him of what they had done. 

He was pulled back, mouth agape and he could feel that his lips were wet. His eyes darted to the wet spot he had left and he couldn’t help licking his lips, just wanting to taste what was there. The groan had his eyes dart to Rafael’s face, he can see the conflict there. That he wants to do things as much as Sonny did but didn’t think he should. 

So Sonny did what he felt was the only option at that very moment, he leaned forward with his arms still looped round Rafael’s neck and pressed their foreheads together. He smirked the second he heard the disgruntled noise come from Rafael’s lips. It would drive him insane to have to deal with Sonny being like this. “Do you want to kiss me? Councillor?”

It was the quickest movement that he found himself on his back, one leg resting on the floor and the other was pushed up over Rafael’s hip. The air rushed from his chest when he realised he was now under Rafael, it was amazing but he still wasn’t being kissed and that was honestly the worst feeling right at that moment. 

“You are maddening Sonny.” 

And Sonny felt his whole body jerk with the way he said his name. And he was doing it. So when he finally was able to kiss that mouth, he knew his body pulled him tighter against him. Had to feel everything when he was being kissed by this man, he felt the way their lips moved against each other; he could taste the Scotch still on their lips. Using his leg he pulled Rafael closer to him, turned his head and let the kiss deepen. 

Rafael tugged his hair. Getting him to kiss him and move up against him, his hips kept jerking up against Rafael. And He wished there were less clothes between them, he wanted to feel the heat touched skin and the stubble on Rafael’s chin against his skin. Pushing Rafael up so he was sat back between his knees, his own eyes snapped shut; it was too much to see Rafael looking at him like that. Looking the way he did, sex rumpled and almost the whole way to turned on. 

Breathing in deeply, Sonny reached up. His fingers pulling buttons open, pulling cufflinks out and dropping them. He could feel himself sigh frustratedly at the undershirt that was shown. He flopped back on the couch and groaned, the answering chuckle had him look up as Rafael pulled the shirt over his head. And Sonny wiggled to pull his own off.

“Fuck.” it was out of his lips and his hands were up. Pulling Rafael back down so their skin was touching, his stomach kept flipping as chest hair dragged against his skin and their lips never parted. Sonny was panting, his hands were dragging down the back shifting above him and using his leg to just try and get Rafael to move his hips. 

Finally he couldn’t help himself he had to feel Rafael against him. So pushing him up and onto his back and clambering back over Rafael, this was one of the times he wished his legs weren’t so long and uncoordinated. But the look on Rafael’s face made it seem like it was something he liked. Sliding his hands up Rafael’s arms and pinning his hands down to the couch, he finally felt his hips jerk up against his and smirked. He bent down and pressed his lips to the inside of his arm, he sucked the skin gently and listening to the surprised noise that fell from Rafael’s mouth. So grinding his body down against his, letting his stomach rub against the tented trousers under him, he sucked rougher and hoped that he would leave a deep bruise there. 

Leaning up and away, his hands were thrown off and hands were on his hips. Pulling his belt off, the button and zipper went down soon after, but he fell forward hands on either side of Raphael’s head; when hands slipped between his trousers and boxers. Strong hands gripped him and pulled his hips down. 

Panting open mouthed into each others, it was stupid that they were grinding into each other like they were teenagers and he did not want to cum in his trousers like one. Not when he now knew what it was like to have this mans hands on him, he wanted them everywhere. 

But looking into Rafael’s face as he was pulled down against him was too distracting to stop him from staying right where he was. 

“I’m taking you to bed.” And Sonny swallowed around his suddenly dry mouth. He was nodding and standing as quickly as possible. It was a few seconds, his hands were grabbed and he was following behind Rafael; tripping over his feet. Walking through the door his hands were let go and he watched. 

Watched as Rafael stripped himself, dropped his clothes on the floor like they meant nothing which should not have turned Sonny on but it did. He felt himself throbbing, all because Rafael wanted him in his bed so bad his thousand dollar suits meant nothing. A quick raise of an eyebrow and Sonny was pulling his clothes off, they were dropped in a pile and he started to move forward. 

What he didn’t want to happen was for him to really see him, because most men wouldn’t want him to anything but top when he did. He was big, he knew he was but it didn’t mean he wanted to top and God he hoped that Rafael wouldn’t turn round and ask him too. he really didn’t want that. 

It didn’t happen though. He climbed into his lap, felt hands grip his hips and pull him close. Fingers ran softly up his length, making his nails dig into Rafael’s shoulders; leaving little crescent marks. It was everything, the feeling of being truly wanted in someones bed. It had been so long since he had been wanted by someone. 

They were kissing and it was so wet, so hot and nothing could distract him from the lips on his. The tongue stroking against the roof of his mouth the same way his hand was rubbing up and down his cock. It was completely and utterly mind boggling because he was doing nothing and Rafael seemed to be completely enjoying every second of it. 

Closing his eyes and pushing him backwards on the bed. Licking his lips at the man laying completely naked below him. He moved up on his knees and leaned over, pulling open a drawer and finding exactly what he had hoped would be in there. Fabric made the best noise under them, the soft drag and it mingled with their loud panting coming from both of them. 

He looked Rafael’s cock up and down, licked his lips and spread lube over his fingers. Slowly he started jerking him, watching as his fingers dug into the covers and his head tipped back. Sonny felt his body rock slightly when he noticed the mark he had inadvertently left on his neck. There was no way he could hide that if he went to work the next morning. 

Shifting so he was slightly raised on his knees above Rafael, he switched his hands quickly; but not quickly enough for Rafael not to notice. His eyes opened just as Sonny started to prepare himself, finally sliding one finger into himself. Sonny’s hand got swatted away and placed onto Rafael’s chest, all the while a hand joined his. 

Fingers feeling where he was slowly sinking into himself. He was trying to get himself ready as quick as he could, adding lube and a second finger took longer than expected with how he was being looked at. 

But he rushed the third, grabbing the condom and placing it between his teeth. When he finally felt like it was enough, he pulled his fingers from himself already missing the feeling of it but knowing it was going to get better. Ripping it open he finally rolled it over Rafael and leaned in, he knew that he probably had the consent but he needed to ask. 

“You want to do this? You want to do this with me?” he had to know. 

A loud sigh, “Yes Sonny. I want to do this with you.” And his hand was gripped and kissed by Rafael, showing that he really did want this. Wanted him. 

Taking a deep breath and holding Rafael in the right place he slowly moved down. He could feel himself barely having to relax with how much he really wanted this. Sonny moaned the whole time he felt Rafael enter him, the moment he felt like he could properly move he did. Rocking gently at first feeling hands gripping his hips as tight as they could, leaving bruises. Ones he could touch until they faded, but he would know where they had been. 

He kept moving, going harder and faster. Skin hitting skin and sweat dripping from brows. It was intense and Sonny knew that this was going to be the best night would have for a long time and it was the best he had had in probably as long. Rafael would both pull him down onto him while also thrusting up. 

Sonny was struggling to concentrate on anything but the feeling of Rafael inside him, feeling him brush against his prostate with every thrust making Sonny unable to make a single noise past almost pathetic whining. 

It hit him before he could really stop it. He fell forward completely, on his elbows over Rafael. Knowing that Rafael wasn’t finished he leaned back up, he went for it and when his hands got really tight and held him down Sonny couldn’t help but smile. He was seeing Rafael. He was feeling him completely. 

Rolling over and staring at Rafael he noticed they never made if further than half way up the bed. Biting his lip and laughing, he felt a sharp slap on his chest before turning to look at Rafael. They had acted like teenagers and it felt amazing. 

Huffing, “I need to sleep.” before dropping the condom over the side of the bed. “Come sleep.” Rafael moved up the bed tugging at Sonnys arm. 

Sonny moved up the bed and wiggled under the covers, looking at him he reached out and touched the bruise on Rafael’s neck. A frown formed on his face and it turned into one of surprise. Shaking his head he pushed Sonny on his back, pressed a gentle kiss to his neck and lay on his chest. 

Running his hand though Rafael’s hair and smiling, he let himself fall asleep. 

——————

A three weeks later found him sitting in Rafael’s office, listening to him try and argue the case for Maria. He was getting more frustrated by the second, er parents were arguing they had no idea what the school did and that they didn’t send their daughter there for the reasons they were being accused of. 

They pointed out that many children were there just to get a good Catholic education, how many got into good schools and how much they wanted that for their daughter. They were trying to fight for her to go back, when she was trying to get emancipated. But even Sonny could see that nothing was going to work, Rafael had even talked to her to try and work out what they could possibly do. 

But Maria had left the room informing them she was eighteen on the Friday, and she was going to marry Annabel. Her mother was taking them to City Hall and they were going to do it. Sonny knew it was a good shot, but he agreed with Rafael that it was a childish thing to do. That she would only end up being married while still trying to complete High School. It was a very high chance she would have to complete her Senior year, leaving her girlfriend to go to college without her. 

It was when Rafael pulled his tie off and rolled up his sleeves, Sonny knew he was reaching his breaking point. So he sat on the desk, facing him his legs spread and he touched Rafael. A soft hand on his shoulder, pulling his focus onto him. And it was odd being that person who got Raf to calm down, to rest his head on his knee and let him run his fingers through his hair. 

Sonny smiled and sat there thinking about the fact that they would go back to one of their apartments, even if it was just to eat dinner and have a drink of wine. They had fallen into their relationship remarkably easily, they hadn’t disclosed it. They didn’t feel like it was the time yet, but it would be soon. With Sonny having met his mother and getting him ready to meet the Carisi’s. 

No one at work was yet to pull issue with him, a single uniformed officer had said something. But it had been quickly shut down and they had been punished. 

Amanda had spent a day apologising and had him round for dinner; where she then tried to set him up with not only the single women she knew but also the men she knew. It was almost comical, but they were still close if not closer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh so yeah, this happened. Um don't know if it's as good as Chap 1. But what can you do. I watched half of season 15 writing this, having to take brakes because Barba fucks me up. 
> 
> Second thank you to my twitter people! Honestly don't think I have enjoyed writing as much since ever, so thanks!

**Author's Note:**

> Two playlists and a group of amazing people from twitter are the reason this fic has happened! Also the name of this whole fic is an Aly & AJ song, listen to the album.


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